I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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