Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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