i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
