I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
