I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
