the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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