ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
