NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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