lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
