omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
