So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
