just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
