If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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