Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
