I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
