I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
