My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
