i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
