Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
