My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
