Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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