Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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