Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
