Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
