The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
