WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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