Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
