You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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