Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
