I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
