you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
