Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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