We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
