So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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