Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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