You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
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I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
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On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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