My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
