im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
