1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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