If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
