I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
