I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
