we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
