I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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