He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
