I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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