M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
