I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
