Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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