so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
