pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
