Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
