when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
