I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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