Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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