Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
