He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
