Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
