I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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