I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
