If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I can't put those talents on a resume
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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