You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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