I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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